Are You a Hypocrite?

Are you a hypocrite? Am I a hypocrite? At times, even in this walk with our Father and our Older Brother, we – you and I – are guilty of being hypocrites. As we spiritually mature, this should happen less and less. But the reality is that as long as we breathe for a living, we will have our moments of hypocrisy.

But there is a difference between having those occasional spiritual lapses and living a life of hypocrisy. Let’s talk about what those differences look like.

The Greek word for hypocrisy is hypokrisis. It means play-acting, jealous, dissembling, coward, or acting out. This group of meanings is revealing.

Jealousy

Jealous, for example, is a synonym for envy. It is essentially a suspicion of everyone and everything, even when there is no basis for suspicion and all the evidence bears that out.

Why are jealousy and hypocrisy linked? It’s quite simple. If you or I are pretending to be someone we’re not when we’re public-facing, then we will naturally believe that everyone else is pretending to be what they’re not, and we can’t trust them.

Jealousy is a projection onto others by a hypocrite. It is their worldview. They can’t be trusted, so they can’t trust anyone else. From this emerges something else. Hypocrites are always the victim. They are never responsible for anything. Instead, everyone else is responsible.

For example, victims use this kind of language: “If you hadn’t done X, I wouldn’t have done Y” or “You’re the reason why I . . .” This is a form of hypocrisy as well. While we can’t control what other people do, we are responsible for our responses and our actions.

I can’t blame anyone else when I slip up and act badly, not having the mind of Jesus, but my own carnal nature instead. I can’t go to God and say, “Did you see what so-and-so did to me? I had no choice but to respond the way I did.”

“I had no choice.” Hypocrisy. We always have a choice. When we make wrong choices, we need to go humbly to God and say, “I messed up! Please forgive me, and change that reaction or response in me, so that I reflect You and Your Son.”

Dissembling

One of the other meanings of hypocrisy is dissembling. It’s not a word we see or use often, although as an English major, I probably use and see it more than most. To dissemble is to hide your true feelings, motives, and beliefs.

One of the prime examples of this in the South is the expression, “Bless your heart.” Sounds nice at the outset, but it is, in fact, a huge insult. Other examples of dissembling are what Jesus talked about in Matthew 6.

For example, if you’re giving someone financial help, is your motive to be loved, appreciated, and glowingly talked about? Or are you giving it from the heart because you know the person is in need and no one else knows about it?

Are you pretending to be nice to someone when, in reality, you talk about them behind their back, accuse them of all kinds of untrue things, and then you lie about them to yourself until you’ve worked up a genuine hatred for them?

Do you pretend to believe something that, in fact, you don’t believe at all? For example, you may pretend to trust someone, when you really don’t trust them at all. Or you may pretend to believe a set of tenets, biblical or otherwise, but you don’t live them in your every day life, and if people knew about your supposed beliefs and they compared them with your words and actions, two entirely different people would emerge.

Overarching Traits of Hypocrites

• Double standards: Hypocrites generally apply different standards to themselves than to others. For example, they might say one thing to someone in person but something else behind their back.
• Insincerity: Hypocrites usually aren’t sincere in their words and actions.
• Deception: Hypocrites often create an outer façade of moral superiority or righteousness.
• Judgment and criticism: Hypocrites are quick to judge and criticize others for their perceived failures or shortcomings.
• Lies and excuses: Hypocrites have excuses for everything and spend more time excusing their behavior than improving it.
• Acting differently in public and in private: Hypocrites might act virtuous and kind in public but are just the opposite in private.

These are all examples of what it means live a life of hypocrisy. Hopefully, this doesn’t apply to you or me, but we all know or have heard of people it does apply to.

The Link Between Narcissism and Hypocrisy

One thing that almost all hypocrites have in common is narcissism. Narcissism is focused completely on the self: what I want, what I need, what I deserve. Narcissists don’t care what anyone else wants, needs, or deserves (I use deserve carefully, because the reality is that none of us deserve anything and what we are given by God are undeserved gifts). 

Narcissists are hypocrites because they come across one way while they, as people, are the exact opposite. Narcissists will pretend anything to get what they want. That may be love, care, kindness, or faith. But it’s all an act. They truly don’t feel any of those things genuinely. They’re incapable of it.

Traits of Narcissists

• Believe they should be the sole object of everyone’s attention
• Expect praise from everyone all the time
• Exempt from “the rules”
• Expect special treatment or for others to meet their impossibly high expectations
• Manipulate others
• Lack empathy
• Envious of others, or believe others are envious of them

Notice how many of the traits of hypocrites and narcissists overlap.

I have known several people who are narcissists and live lives of hypocrisy. They’re almost impossible to deal with on any rational or logical level. Once, though, I see them for what they are, I try to avoid them as much as possible because dealing with this kind of person will drain you spiritually, mentally, and emotionally.

One example from my life is someone who claims to be a devout Jew. He gives the illusion that he lives by the Torah (the Book of Law, or the first five books of the Bible). However, away from the synagogue, he is living by his own law. He constantly yells at, derides, and curses at his employees in fits of rage and in front of the entire company.

He has so demoralized his company that even his cleaning crew has quit, because he is so overbearing and so vicious in his attacks on his employees. He is imploding his company from the inside out. Yet, in meetings, he is a flatterer (although he doesn’t realize that all of us realize he doesn’t mean anything he says and he could turn on any of us in a heartbeat) and pretends to be a nice person.

I recently read the story of another hypocrite/narcissist that was quite chilling. A pastor’s ex-wife allegedly committed suicide earlier this month. The pastor, who supposedly was with a new girlfriend at the time of her death, expressed sorrow at the news.

However, details have emerged since that this pastor is a hypocrite/narcissist. There are indications that he groomed her as a teenager, married her, and then abused her throughout the marriage.

He claimed to be a Christian, but his actions and words don’t mirror that. For example he posted a nude picture of his wife online and then said this to her: “I was hurt that you are telling everyone horrible intimate details of my past sin, and I just wanted to try and hurt you.” In the weeks leading up to his ex-wife’s death, he slashed her tires and damaged her vehicle while installing a device to track her with.

Are You a Hypocrite?

My hope is that each one of us can answer an emphatic, “No!” and remain vigilant of those instances where we fall short, repent, and remove hypocrisy wherever we find it. This is why self-examination is not something we just do before Passover. It must be something we do every day of our lives for as long as we live.

And when we find it, we must take immediate action.

But some of us are living lives of hypocrisy. I can only examine myself and see if I am. You can only examine yourself and see if you are. But if we are, we must admit it. We must own it. And we must take it to God and ask Him to help, to heal, to change us from what we are to what His will and purpose are for us to become.

What will we do?